THE SEXUAL HEALTH EXAM: CAN YOU BE INVOLVED IN A MUTUALLY PLEASING AND FULFILLING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
“Ever since the heart attack, he seems to be trying too hard. 1 mean, he wants to please me, prove something, I think.” The wife described her feelings about the impact of a life-threatening disease on her husband and her marital sex. “He used to really enjoy me, but now he seems to be worried that I will see or think that he is fragile or something.” With catastrophic illnesses, some patients adopt styles that prevent a mutually pleasing sexual interaction. Here are some of the styles, based on my interviews.
The Accepter: This person acts as if the disease is deserved, another negative in a disappointing life. There is little effort to fight back, to change, to adapt, to protect sexuality. Rather, there is surrender and sacrifice of sexuality to the disease process. “The doctor told me that diabetes could cause impotence. He said it, and he was right. So I don’t know why you are asking me about our sex life. I can’t have one,” said the husband. When I asked how his wife felt about that, he responded, “She has no more choice than I do. It is just in the cards. A bad deal, a rotten deal. ” When I suggested that there was no erection at all, the man responded, “Look, you learn to live with what you are given.” To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, if you fail to look inside for the strength to grow at times of crisis, then you must accept whatever life gives you. As this chapter continues, remember one basic principle: No disease prevents sexuality. The Accepter has forgotten this fact.
The Denier: This patients minimizes all illness, indeed all negative events, and in the process sexuality leaves the marriage. This minimizing interferes with sex because the maintenance of intimacy depends first on acknowledging any blocks to that intimacy. “No stroke is going to bother me. It didn’t even faze me, really. We just keep going,” reported the husband. “No way that’s true, Dave,” said his wife. “Can’t you see that we haven’t had sex in months?” The husband could not believe his ears. “It could not have been that long. I’m just as sexy as ever.” He laughed and pinched his wife’s thigh. She slapped his hand and he continued to laugh. “It’s not funny.” She began to cry. “You’re either a liar or a fool. I cannot live this way.”
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Tags: General health